Sibling Rivalry: What Can Parents Do?

By Lisa Pecos

Sibling rivalry can take many forms over the years. When thesecond child is first born, it can take the form of acting out, regression, andfussiness on the part of the older child. And as the kids grow up, it can turninto arguing, physical fighting, and deep feelings of jealousy and resentment.Most sibling rivalry is more of an annoyance than a serious problem, but it canbecome emotionally taxing to parents who had hoped their children would get alongand love each other.

There are a few points to keep in mind that might help youcope emotionally with your children�s rivalry. First, a little fighting doesnot mean your children do not love each other. Second, remember that a littlecompetition is natural, and that it may actually help build certain skills inyour children. Third, keep in mind that children who fight often go on to bebest of friends when they get older. And fourth, you are not alone. Virtuallyevery multi-child family must deal with sibling rivalry at one time or another.

What causes siblingrivalry?

In most cases, the causes of sibling rivalry actually arenot so deep. It is just a competition for parental love and attention. At anygiven time, one child may feel that the other is getting more, and this maylead to bad feelings, even if the feelings are unconscious. At different timesin a child�s development, these feelings may be more intense than at others.

Meanwhile, some kids are just temperamentally more combativethan others. Perhaps one of your children is continually picking fights withanother, who usually does not start the conflict. In such cases, it is theparents� job to moderate the rivalry without seeming to favor the gentler childover the more combative one.

Also, it has been shown that kids who live inconflict-ridden households are more likely to fight with their siblings. Whenparents frequently fight openly within earshot of their kids, for this behaviorto rub off on the children is only natural. That is one reason why parents whowant to avoid sibling rivalry should argue privately if they must argue at all.

What should parentsdo?

Parenting experts recommend that mom and dad stay uninvolvedin sibling arguments for as long as possible. By getting involved, you teachthe children that they can always turn to you when they have an argument, andyou risk being perceived as taking sides or protecting one child over theother. If you feel you must get involved, start by merely trying to guide thekids to their own resolution, warning them in the process not to call names orbe abusive to one another.

In short, it is best for everyone if the kids can learn howto solve their disagreements without parental intervention. And when you decideto intervene, the goal should be to deflate the situation so everyone has timeto calm down and the disagreement can de-escalate. Often, kids just need alittle time apart to get over their feelings. And in the meantime, try not toplace blame on anyone.

Here are a few other tips that can help parents deal withsibling rivalries:

• Discourage kids from talking about what is or is not �fair.� Let them know that things are not always equal, and that they both need different things at different times.
• Make sure each child gets plenty of one-on-one attention, and encourage each individually to pursue his or her interests and be who he or she wants to be.
• Make sure the children get time apart from each other.
• Make it clear that they need to love each other even though they fight. Banish words like �hate� and other extreme terms.
• If the kids commonly fight over certain items or activities, set a schedule for when each child gets a turn.
• If it becomes too much for you to handle, consider seeing a family counselor.

Lisa Pecos is a wife and well accomplished writer on naturalremedies and natural approaches to family health. She�s written numerous articles for NaturalHealth Journals.com, ParentingJournals.com and Baby Care Journals.com.